9 days off: strength and brokenness

So, it recently came to my attention that since I haven't been sick that much this past year and I haven't taken vacation time off, I currently have about 2 weeks worth of paid time off to take before December 31st. Ok.

That being said, starting today I will be off for 9 days, and get paid for it.
Fantastic.

I plan to relax, but also start practicing some discipline in my life. I want to replace some bad habits with good ones. I want to be on a schedule and see if I can stick to it. I'm so "whatever" with most things and I usually just go with the flow or depend on how I feel to decide if I'm going to do something or not. This includes good things like working out and praying. Now, I'm not into forcing things, but when it really comes down to it, I desire to do those things, it's just that my mind has been trained for so long to do what it wants or feels instead of doing what I need and know is true.
This has been an internal battle for me as long as I can remember.

My friend Gayle and I share this battle. We are terribly inconsistent. Or rather, we decided that we are consistent about some negative habits, but very inconsistent with good ones. I'm trying to turn that around, but I realize I need God to help me do that.
I also realized lately that I need to learn when to hold em and learn when to fold em--(in the words of the beloved Kenny Rogers), meaning that perhaps it is true that I've been strong towards things that are good for me, but weak to the things that are destructive to my soul.
It's good to stand firm and there is a time for strength, but I believe that strength was meant for us to stand against temptation and evil.
But there is also a time to be broken, vulnerable and flexible, which we need to be towards God so that he can heal us, use us and mold us.

At least I know the strength I am capable of, but I just need to be more aware of the designation to which I direct it.

So, this week I am going to eat well even when I want to eat fried snickers bars or something.
I am going to go the gym everyday.
I am going to read a story book all the way through without skipping ahead. (it's a horrible trait I have.)

I am going to make time to pray and listen everyday with no music on.
I am going to go to bed by a decent time and try not to sleep in until the afternoon.

And a few other necessary/good things.

We'll see how it goes.

May the force be with me.

My little week

This has been an interesting little week.

(haha. My friend Irby and I just finished talking about how the word interesting can be very ambiguous. One may use it when describing something negatively, while not wanting to sound mean or judgmental. . .because "interesting" isn't necessarily bad, right?
. . .
So anyways, here is me in the last week:

* I had a flat tire the other night, but thankfully my friend Kevin was with me and so we parked the car, laughed it off and decided to walk back home (about 4 miles or so) instead of paying for a cab. Alternatively, we stopped in to a little pub along the way and spent our money on whiskey. It was worth it. And although our ability to walk in a straight line became less fine-tuned, the journey become a hell of a lot more fun.

* That same night, my retarded ass put the wrong soap in the dishwasher and it started overflowing with bubbles. . .like forever. It didn't stop. Eternity maybe. Infinitude.
ok you get the point.

*I have felt really trapped and not myself. Or maybe too much of myself which has made me feel trapped which makes me not myself..
I don't know. crap. :) I just want to get away from this little box I feel that I am in, and my dreams have me aligning with that notion as well. . .things chasing me and being locked in and not being able to get out. It's quite awful, actually, however nonchalant as it may sound now. The worst part about the dreams is that I have this really fatalist-like approach in them, as if it were my destiny to be tortured and so in many cases I don't fight the evil. I simply accept that this disturbance is my fate. I don't like that. And in my waking life, I don't hold to that apathetic mentality, but when your subconscious and conscious merge like mine have been lately, you learn a lot more about how you 'really' feel as opposed to what you've been telling yourself in order to feel ok.
I guess for that reason alone, I've been happy for these um . . .dreams, nightmares?
But otherwise, I want them gone.

*My good friends Marcella and Rob went off to Boston randomly this last weekend. They are awesome for just spontaneously going, but I miss them!!!

*I am having some major Bank/possible fraud/why or did I write that check? issues. . .it's a mess, but I'm not getting upset about it. Instead, I am finding solutions. :)
. . .

*I love riding the motorcycle with my friend Kevin. (Actually it's one of my favorite things in the world.) . . .buuut. . .riding in 95 degree weather with a very well insulated helmet was not the greatest today.
Truth be told.
I was sweaty and it was gross.

*I have become a "lazybum" these last few weeks (as my dad would call it.) That will not continue. See, my problem is that I hate to work out at the gym. But I love to dance, ride my bike, play frisbee, raquetball and swim...you know fun things, but for whatever reason--whether rain or plans or working. . .those haven't been as available. Bad excuse, I know.

Ok so now I'm getting off my lazybum and going out!

Loves

The most important things. . .

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

Sleeping with random items I buy

I like to sleep with new random items that I buy. I do.

I've shared this fetish with only a few people. (is this qualified to be a fetish??)

Yes, I have slept with a lamp. (But it was a cool vintage one, so it's acceptable.)
. . .not the most comfortable bed buddy, but it was still worth it. ;)

And if I don't sleep with the item, I have to have it in my clear visual line because if I should wake through the night, I am adamant about having to see my beloved item before me without any turning or complication.

Such as shoes.

I put those close.

It might be a disease. But I don't need prozac, and its pretty under control. So, I don't worry about it much.

I don't dance with these items, though. (wow. Some of you are like, "thank God.". . .)

or do I?

"Ya wouldn't know!!!"

hehehe

So my theory behind this malingering wonder. . .is this:

I am somewhat superficial (despite my profound nature. . haha.)

and

I like cool stuff.

kay.

that is my deep pondering/psychoanalasyis for the evening.
All other comments or questions must be directed to me

below.

Yours truly,

Shanaramic

Exhausted and needing to be cleansed

I am working this weekend, as the other employees enjoy their weekend off. However, I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off which I need desperately.

It was offical to me today that I am worn out. I am irritable (highly abnormal for me.) I have been eating poorly, entertaining guests for a month now, and staying up all hours of the night. Even if I am at my apartment, the point is that I'm not resting. I have just felt dizzy, headachey, low-energy and overal not well. I know it's a mixture of 'life just happening' as well as my own doing. . .

Aside from physical exhaustion, it occured to me today that I have been disconnected from the center of myself, and from the source. Almost as if I've been doing and going and running to the point that I don't know where I am. Does that even make sense? I think they call it being emotionally/spirituall drained.
Geez, I hope I don't have a Mariah Carey episode. (You know a few years back when she had her "Breakdown" after that horrible movie 'Glitter'. . .)

I am no superstar diva who shatters glass and makes bad movies, but
I am just saying.

So, here are a few things I am going to do/not do these next 3-4 days.

-I won't be using my phone unless it is an emergency. (Do not suppose that you needing me to pick out a dress for you at the mall is such an emergency.)

-I will not be online. (This includes Facebook, Myspace and G-mail.) This will be difficult, since it has almost become as routine as brushing my teeth. A lot more fun too.

-I will detox my body. . . should be interesting. Therefore my diet will consist of very simple/ no junky foods and lots of water.

-I will be outside. A lot. I need the sun.

-I will be reading and writing and falling into those beauties, unaware that there is a world outside of literature and poetry.

-I will listen to new music on my ipod and drift away.

-When I'm not melodic, I'll be finding the quiet inside my mind. (Quiet, where are you?)
Other random things may include donating some clothes to goodwill and planning for my New York trip. Other than that. . .

-I love you all, but I will do my best not to be thinking of you.
(Don't take it personal.)

I need to focus on God and in Him, I will inevidably find the center of me.

See everyone on the flip. . .

Pointless banter and Infinity

So, I am listening to Prince. . .
Need I say more?

End of blog.

:). . .It's that song "Nothing Compares to you" with some soulful female vocals helping the man (symbol/formerly the symbol-or whatever he is now.) . . .
It's a little bit of wonderful, in a very cheesy-awful way.

So, it is official. I like buying flowers and plants. And one may find me running around giving them to people. I do like this act.
People are like, "Is it their birthday?" and I will respond, "No. I just love them."

I even buy them for myself since I am currently dating my being. "My being" always sounds irreverently existential to me. I'm ok with that.

So, I have been without a debit card for about a week and a half. (Such a travesty, I know considering those who are way more without. I realize this. That is why I pouted for about two seconds (as well as complained to several people about it. It's the nature of MY beast, what can I say?) But then I got over it. And I became very comfortable with check writing, mainly because I was too lazy to drive over to the bank.
But
Today I received my re-issued debit card and all was right in the world again.
So, that's that.

I also recently acquired an ipod nano. However, my desktop mac's programs are so old that they are incompatible with it. Long story short, my friend who hooked me up with the tiny melodic wonder, has to download a newer program for me and that may take longer than desired.
Little things like this teach us patience. . .
So I will happily endure the waiting time for my tunes to come.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell the point of these blogs are.

Just in case you are wondering as well, I will try to leave you with something meaningful:

I have been thinking about prayer for days now.
Praying about prayer too. (ha.)
The onset of these thoughts spawned from the realization that I have this subconscious issue with the idea that if God has known for millions of years exactly what I am about to pray (since he is supposedly omniscient and all), why pray at all?

I mean I know that the action of doing something even despite the doubts of its reality is still important. (In other words, I'm not saying to do something anyways if you don't believe in it, but I am saying that if God is concerned with a relationship with us, then he wants to talk with us and he wants us to talk with him, so that is what prayer chiefly is: A conversation with Him.
That is not my problem.

My issue is with the reality of time and how it is propagated between an eternal God and a limited creation, and how awkward it can be to come before such a God in our lesser dimensional state of mind wanting to successfully create a true relationship with a Deity so unlike ourselves, and yet so a part of us. . .

I study Quantum Physics, so this type of stuff bugs me if it goes without at least some resolution in my head.
So, the partial resolution is this. God is hearing us NOW, as we pray on our living room floor, in the car or any other of our mundane place. He hears us as a mother hears her child call her name. The difference God's timelessness makes, though is that this NOW (which slips away from you even as you say the word NOW) is for Him. .

always infinite. (It doesn't seem that way to us, because we only see and know in part, but His scope is full and whole, seeing everything.)

It's hard to wrap your head around, but it assuaged my questions--
for now at least.

Which is apparently. . . always infinite.

:)

So, it's a matter of perspective.

Body Slamming and good friends. . .

Tonight I was supposed to hang out with my friend, Chris who is visiting Tallahassee.. We did not hang out because I am basically crazy and had to re-schedule out of desperate need to do my lonesome vibe. So, I am here, sipping my wine and listening to bluesy guitar music on low, pondering the goodness of life. . .

Yet I cannot seem to get relaxed. (Due to other unwanted noises. i.e. my 90 lbs Korean upstairs neighbor who somehow sounds like T Rex when he walks as well as my wall neighbor who should be saved for another blog altogether . . . he is listening to Jimmy Hendrix on volume number 1200 and seemingly body slamming himself upon the wall repeatedly. . .)

This is my daily woe.

But I get through and smile because I am their trusty, smiling leasing agent. :)

So, anyways, back to my bluesy music and good thoughts. I think of some of the wonderful people who cultivate my life. . .
In no particular order: (except numerical favorites of course.)

Just kidding.

1) Robert. I am thankful for the laughter we share. I like how he knows how totally nuts I am and loves me even more for it. (Maybe it is because he is also nuts.) We are such a comedic team. I can vent to him about anything. He is a soundboard for my thoughts. I completely trust him with my secrets. His presence just makes me smile. We roll down hills together randomly. We contemplate Marxism and break down the specifics of being functionally retarded. We make absurd noises and unnecessary facial expressions to the dismay of others, but we don't care. Rob is a synergistic montage of spastic, animated wonderfulness.


2) Nicole. I am thankful for how she accepts both parts of me. . . my spiritual/intellectual side and my silly/ridiculous banter as well. We read each other's minds. We have the best conversations ever. She is one of the most amazing, if not the most amazing girls I have ever met. We can get lost just talking. We may find ourselves driving down the wrong road or talking for 4 hours at an airport, not realizing we are lost at all or that we have been there that long. I can call her crying or laughing or with some deep notion and her whole heart is there for me, as well as sincere wisdom upon which I will undoubtedly ponder days and days afterwards. Her mind is exquisite, it has that affect on people. :)


3) Irby. I have only known Irby for a few months now, but he is one of the neatest people I've ever met. We have the most random talks and the conversations can expand at any moment to a new universe of thought. We are both given to humor and crass joking, so our interactions are always interesting. He is one of the most imaginative, artistic, talented people I've met in a very long time. I really respect his mind. I call him disgustingly beautiful because that is what it is. He says and displays the things that people are too afraid to do and be. He is raw and creative and a breath of fresh air in a world where everyone wants to be the same as everyone else. I don't think he can help but be different. And he shouldn't help that. He's great.

Ok so I only have mind enough tonight for 3 of my favorite people.

(I'm drinking wine and it's late. . .what?)

:)

I think the body-wall throwing has ceased now, as well as the upstairs dinosaur rampage. . .
thank God.

and thank God for great people in my life, by whatever venue they may find themselves in my atmosphere-- near or far.